Men like Jesse James, Tiger Woods and John Edwards had it all: talent,
fame, money, and a beautiful family. Yet with everything to lose, they
cheated on their wives. Why DO men stray? Here are 9 reasons…
Approximately
40% of men seek sexual satisfaction outside their relationships,
estimates Kat Hertlein, Ph.D., professor of human development at the
University of Nevada - Las Vegas and a marriage and family therapist.
That
number hasn’t changed much since 1950, when the famous Kinsey sex study
found that 50% of U.S. men cheat at some point in their marriages.
Why They Cheat
The
No.1 reason: Men crave sexual “variety,” according to David Buss,
professor of psychology at the University of Texas and author of The
Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating (BasicBooks).
“They’ve evolved the desire to be with different women,” he says.
That’s
because it’s very simple for men to reproduce (one act of sex versus
nine months of pregnancy for women), so to create as many offspring as
possible they’re biologically programmed to mate with many women.
“The
‘payoff’ in reproductive currencies [kids] of a short-term mating
strategy generally has been higher for men than women,” Buss says.
So after thousands of generations, “this has forged in the male brain a desire for sexual variety.”
Other
top reasons men cheat? They’re unhappy with their mates - and
extramarital sex is cheaper and easier to get these days, Buss says.
And "power wives" beware: Being married to a high-profile guy ups the odds he’ll wander.
“Women are attracted to men who have power and status, so public figures usually have plenty of opportunity,” Buss says.
Whether
your guy is a political animal, an A-list celeb or just a cubicle-mate,
his motivation to cheat is the same, according to one relationship
expert.
“Ninety-nine percent of the time, there’s a simple reason
why: boredom,” says Steve Santagati, author of The Manual: A True Bad
Boy Explains How Men Think, Date and Mate – and What Women Can Do to
Come Out on Top (Crown).
Whatever the reasons, cheaters give monogamous men (the majority) a bad name.
Why they say they cheatHere are 9 excuses guys give for doing the extramarital mambo:
1.
She ain’t what she used to be.
Like Adam, the typical man can’t resist the temptation of riper fruit, especially if the woman in his life has let herself go.
“If
she got lazy or gained weight or just doesn’t take care of herself, a
guy will start looking at other women,” Santagati says.
Women who want to keep their men on a short leash need to take a “good, hard look in the mirror,” he adds.
And
men should do the same. He might be a complete slob and still be
demanding perfection from her. “It’s the typical double standard.”
For their part, guys should also make an effort to rediscover the spark at home.
“Make
her feel pretty, even if you’re lying,” he advises. “Tell her how
beautiful she is and how much you appreciate it. It will make her feel
sexy and she’ll want to make you happy.”
That attention can lead
to a more satisfying sex life, agrees Sue Johnson, a professor of
clinical psychology at the University of Ottawa and author of Hold Me
Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (Little Brown and
Company).
“All the evidence shows that when [women] feel safe and connected, you’re better at taking care of your partner.”
2.
No one loves a ball buster.
Perhaps nothing will drive a married man into the arms of another woman faster than a nagging wife.
“She’s like a mosquito,” Santagati says. “He doesn’t want to have sex with her; he wants to [swat her away].”
The more viable option: hot sex with a more “understanding” woman.
Hogwash,
says Steven Solomon, Ph.D., author of Intimacy After Infidelity: How to
Rebuild & Affair-Proof Your Marriage (New Harbinger).
“[A
woman] didn't do something that excuses cheating." Whatever the
relationship dynamic, it’s not that healthy to begin with if it leads to
infidelity, Solomon says.
3.
She just doesn’t “get” me.
Men
who cheat say they don’t feel understood by their mate. But it’s not
always the woman. Mostly they’re either angry or afraid to connect.
“It’s
easier for men to go outside the relationship than work it out with
their partner,” says UNLV’s Hertlein. “We see this ‘triangulation’ a
lot.”
A deep-seated fear of intimacy can be hard for some guys to
overcome. And they’re more likely to cheat again, especially if they
don’t go to couples therapy, Hertlein says.
4.
It’s the thrill.
Most
guys who have affairs are getting in touch with their inner caveman:
They like to play with fire. “It adds a level of danger,” Santagati
says, “and danger adds to the excitement.”
By keeping surprise
and sizzle in your sex life, a woman can keep the home fires burning so
hot that her man won’t have any reason to cheat.
But that's not the whole story. Solomon says men also cheat because of fear, loneliness or anger.
“The betraying partner's failure to deal with these feelings is what causes him to be unfaithful," he says.
5.
Blame it on the “hunter”.
Often,
married men who cheat can’t quite explain their motivation. They just
find themselves compelled to bust out of their day-to-day routine in
search of something new. It’s a primitive instinct that dates back to
their role as hunter and gatherer – only this time, they’re hunting and
gathering new women.
“Maybe he married too young,” Santagati says, “or he just feels as if he hasn’t seen everything.”
Women can protect themselves by getting wise to this behavior early in the relationship – and getting out.
Santagati suggests you can find out more about a man’s dating history by watching how he acts in a room full of gorgeous women.
If
you can’t rein him in when your romance is new, you’ll never control
him down the road when your life together is more settled. “The first
three months are critical,” he says.
6.
Biology, baby.
“It’s our biological nature to be with as many females as possible,” Santagati says.
“Once
we’ve seen a woman naked several times, it becomes commonplace. It
doesn’t matter if you’re Jessica Alba or Sienna Miller, we become
accustomed to your body and want to experience something different –
different lips, different body types. We’re only monogamous because we
realize that love and friendship are more important than getting laid.”
But
Juliet Williams, associate professor of women’s studies at UCLA
disagrees. “No matter how stunningly high the number of male cheaters,
we know it’s not biological,” she says. “There are still a higher
percentage of men who are monogamous.”
Whether it’s evolution,
biology or simple novelty, infidelity researchers agree that men do seek
different sex partners. However, the decision whether to cheat is
entirely in a man’s control.
“Most men don’t act on those desires
because they don’t want to jeopardize social reputations or marriages,”
says University of Texas’ Buss.
“Former President Jimmy Carter,
for example, told an interviewer that he had ‘lust in his heart’ but as
far as we knew, he never acted on it,” he says.
7.
It’s just sex.
For most guys, sex and love are two entirely different things.
“We
really believe, ‘I can still love my wife and want to have sex with
other women.’ We separate it in our brains,” Santagati says.
That rationale allows guys to cheat guilt-free, with one notable exception:
“Any
guilt that a man has after sex isn’t about the sex itself, it’s about
the consequences,” Santagati says. “Will she be a stalker? Will my wife
find out?
"If a guy is in a committed, monogamous relationship,
he should ask himself one question before he cheats: Is it worth it? He
should consider the worst-case scenario, meaning that his wife finds out
and is now brokenhearted. Is it worth it?”
8.
Not tonight, dear.
Let’s face it. Men want more sex than women.
So
when their partner is tired from wrangling kids all day and unwilling
to try new things, even the most loyal hubbies get bored and go looking
for nookie.
More sexually permissive men who don’t have equally adventurous partners are also more apt to wander, says UNLV’s Hertlein.
Their sexual values are just not compatible.
9.
Because we can.
OK, we’re guys, remember? It’s hard to resist temptation, especially when it’s at our fingertips.
Thanks
to the Internet, it’s easier for men to cheat anytime, anywhere… while
they’re watching TV or on the laptop in bed next to their sleeping
wives.
“We’re not talking about penis and vaginas,” Hertlein
says. “Cheating is defined as anything that breaches a relationship
contract.”
“That includes “sexy communication and flirting that’s kept secret from your partner.”
Forgive and Forget?Whether your man is having sex online or in a hotel room, should you take him back?
“We
think of people who betray us as cads, bad people, immature,” Solomon
says. “But most are normal folks who get lost in not taking care of
themselves and their marriage.”
And if you forgive and forget, could he cheat again?
Despite guys’ excuses, the decision to cheat or stay faithful isn’t something women can control.
“Even if you’re the worse spouse on Earth, your partner can find better ways to deal with his unhappiness,” Solomon says.
“You can't make someone cheat any more than you can make someone drink or abuse you.”Will he cheat? Rate the RiskIt's
thought that about 60% of men cheat on their partners - and 70% of
wives don't have a clue. Is your guy ever-true... or a sneaky cheat. . . . . . . .Mine is not.
Ochanya Blessing Ogwuche believes that failure is the opportunity ...
Ochanya Blessing Ogwuche believes that
failure is the opportunity to begin again, even more intelligently.
Since losing the keenly contested Miss Benue Beauty Pageant to the
winner by a very close margin, the effervescent lady never succumbed to
failure, she thus entered for the maiden edition of Miss Idoma,
organised by Free Image Entertainment in Otukpo, Benue State towards the
tail end of last year. Luck, however, smiled on Ogwuche as she emerged
the winner, carting home mouth-watering prizes including a brand new car
donated by Hon. Nelson Alapa, representing Otukpo/Ohimini Federal
Constituency. 
