FabMimi Digest:How Much Sex Should You Be Having?

Every night? Once a month? Or somewhere in the middle? Science has its say…

Some people are fine with the amount of sex they get and some think they should be getting a whole lot more. A few men even think their partners demand too much sex and secretly wish they’d take up knitting or something.

On the whole, most men probably think they could handle a bit more sex than they’re getting, though every man, and every relationship, is different.

But science has something to say about it too. According to the latest research, most of us are happy if we think we’re having more sex than the neighbours, however much we actually have.

More than next door

According to the new study, having more sex than your neighbours can make you happy. Professor Tim Wadsworth, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Colorado, analysed data from over 15,000 people and found that respondents who had sex at least two to three times a month were 33 percent more likely to report a higher level of happiness than those who’d had no sex during the previous 12 months.

Other findings were similarly obvious. Professor Wadsworth found that the more sex people had, the happier they tended to be, even when factors like income, marital status, health and age had been taken into account.

But the more surprising finding was this. Even people who had reasonable amounts of sex reported lower levels of happiness if they thought they were having less sex than their peers.

Conversely, people who thought they were having more sex than their peers reported higher levels of happiness, even if – in the great scheme of things – they weren’t having that much sex.

“There’s an overall increase in the sense of wellbeing that comes with having sex more frequently, but there’s also this relative aspect to it,” said Professor Wadsworth. “Having more sex makes us happy, but thinking that we are having more sex than other people makes us even happier.”

Once a week

But how do you find out how much sex other people are having? Through social networks, says Professor Wadsworth, both on- and off-line. Then there are frequent media polls and even the gossip down the pub. Through these means we build up an idea of how much sex someone in our situation might be expected to have. If we beat the average, we’re happy.

But for the good of your own relationship, how much sex should men be having (assuming your personal answer is not just “more than them next door”)? Experts put the usual proviso on this information: every relationship is different, they say, and the amount of sex you need is the amount that makes both partners happy.

But one or two have put their heads above the parapet and tried to quantify just how much sex most of us should expect, if we’re in a sexual relationship.

Sex and relationship expert Dr Gail Saltz, for instance, has said this about sexual frequency: “If your sex drives are out of balance, your aim is to meet in the middle, having sex a bit more than one partner likes but probably a bit less than the other likes.”

In other words, both partners should compromise to get to a level of sexual frequency that suits their relationship.

Sex councillor Ian Kerner is even more specific: “While there may be no one right answer to the question of how often couples should have sex, lately I’ve been less equivocal and (started) advising couples to try to do it at least once a week. That’s because I believe that sex ruts are becoming epidemic.”

Pencilling in sex at least once a week means sex becomes a habit, something you fit in however busy or stressed you are. Once a week means you’ll get all the health and wellbeing benefits, too. But remember, Kerner says “at least” once a week. So the more you have the better.

How much sex do people have?

Most experts agree that the amount of sex you have will depend on you and your relationship, and that the ideal frequency is tricky to pin down.

But they do know how much sex most of us are having, on average.

Research suggests that for married couples under 30 years of age the frequency (on average) is about twice a week. For married couples between the ages of 50 and 59, the frequency is about once a week. In the intervening years the frequency is somewhere between the two.

Those figures don’t tell us if everybody is happy with that amount of sex, and of course it only covers married couples. People also tend to have more sex in the early stages of a relationship and less later on.

But the average does suggest that a natural sexual frequency is something like once or twice a week in a committed, long term relationship.

Many couples will be happy with less, and others will be at it every night, but if you’re up with the average at least you can say this: your neighbours are unlikely to be having much more sex than you, and may be having less. So you can stop stressing about what’s happening next door and start enjoying what’s happening in your own bedroom.

Fabmimi DIGEST: Why Do People Stay In Abusive Relationships? Please Read And Share.

People who have never been abused often wonder why a person wouldn’t just leave. They don't understand that breaking up can be more complicated than it seems.There are many reasons why both men and women stay in abusive relationships. If you have a friend in an unhealthy relationship, support them by understanding why they may choose to not leave immediately.

Conflicting Emotions

• Fear: Your friend may be afraid of what will happen if they decide to leave the relationship. If your friend has been threatened by their partner, family or friends, they may not feel safe leaving.
• Believing Abuse is Normal: If your friend doesn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, perhaps from growing up in an environment where abuse was common, they may not recognize that their relationship is unhealthy.
• Fear of Being Outed: If your friend is in same-sex relationship and has not yet come out to everyone, their partner may threaten to reveal this secret. Being outed may feel especially scary for young people who are just beginning to explore their sexuality.
• Embarrassment: It’s probably hard for your friend to admit that they’ve been abused. They may feel they’ve done something wrong by becoming involved with an abusive partner. They may also worry that their friends and family will judge them.
• Low Self-esteem: If your friend’s partner constantly puts them down and blames them for the abuse, it can be easy for your friend to believe those statements and think that the abuse is their fault.
• Love: Your friend may stay in an abusive relationship hoping that their abuser will change. Think about it -- if a person you love tells you they’ll change, you want to believe them. Your friend may only want the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end entirely.

Pressure

• Social/Peer Pressure: If the abuser is popular, it can be hard for a person to tell their friends for fear that no one will believe them or that everyone will take the abuser's side.
• Cultural/Religious Reasons: Traditional gender roles can make it difficult for young women to admit to being sexually active and for young men to admit to being abused. Also, your friend’s culture or religion may influence them to stay rather than end the relationship for fear of bringing shame upon their family.
• Pregnancy/Parenting: Your friend may feel pressure to raise their children with both parents together, even if that means staying in an abusive relationship. Also, the abusive partner may threaten to take or harm the children if your friend leaves.

Distrust of Adults or Authority

• Puppy-love Phenomena Adults often don’t believe that teens really experience love. So if something goes wrong in the relationship, your friend may feel like they have no adults to turn to or that no one will take them seriously.
• Distrust of Police: Many teens and young adults do not feel that the police can or will help them, so they don’t report the abuse.
• Language Barriers/Immigration Status: If your friend is undocumented, they may fear that reporting the abuse will affect their immigration status. Also, if their first language isn’t English, it can be difficult to express the depth of their situation to others.

Reliance on the Abusive Partner

• Lack of Money: Your friend may have become financially dependent on their abusive partner. Without money, it can seem impossible for them to leave the relationship.
• Nowhere to Go: Even if they could leave, your friend may think that they have nowhere to go or no one to turn to once they’ve ended the relationship. This feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their abusive partner.
• Disability: If your friend is physically dependent on their abusive partner, they can feel that their well-being is connected to the relationship. This dependency could heavily influence his or her decision to stay in an abusive relationship.

What Can I Do?

If you have friends or family members who are in unhealthy or abusive relationships, the most important thing you can do is be supportive and listen to them. Please don't judge! Understand that leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship is never easy.